


Void

by TacticalCupcakes



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Flashback, Gen, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22450261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacticalCupcakes/pseuds/TacticalCupcakes
Summary: Natsuki didn't anticipate anything out of the ordinary happening; she was only hoping to get out for a bit to clear her head. What she saw was perfectly normal, right? Then why does it hurt so much?A story based on experience.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	Void

On all accounts, today should have been a perfect day. The sky was dyed a brilliant blue, and the wind tousled my hair gently as I skated through the impossibly empty roads. Although there’s few moments where I can feel totally at ease, this looked like one of those rare times.

However, I was wrong. Because of course I was.

What was it that could’ve hit me so strongly that I would be totally snapped out of the happy place I finally felt I was drifting into? An untimely pothole in the road, which would lead to me waking up in casualty? Perhaps my phone had flown out of my pocket ages ago, or maybe I’d forgotten my keys at home.

Nah. It was something much simpler.

I’d been mostly zoning out, taking in the fresh summer air, when I suddenly hear a cheerful voice calling out behind them.

‘Thanks, Dad! You’re the best!” the person beamed, apparently having just been given a lift.

Whilst it was an innocent enough remark, it caused everything around me to become muffled. Even though it was the middle of summer, I felt cold and scared, like I had been swept away by a hailstorm. I couldn’t focus on the world around me; all that I knew was this stranger had something that I would never have again; they had a dad that loved them.

Starting to sniffle, I manage to drag myself out of sight behind a corner before slumping down against the wall. The tears come quickly, full of flame and shame, reaching into the most far off bits of my memory and pulling them to the forefront.

_“Why are you like this?”_

_“Can’t you do anything right?”_

_“How can someone so small be such a huge disappointment?!”_

_“It’s your fault that your mum left, you know that?!”_

_“Act your age, or I’ll REALLY give you something to cry about…”_

“N-No… don’t, please…” I tremble as the world swirls around me, leaving me unsure of what’s real or not.

“ _Why do you make me do this?”_ he growls, raising his hand at me.

“NO, PLEASE! I’M SORRY!” I cower against the wall, and brace for the impact.

When it doesn’t come, I cautiously open my eyes and recall that I’m not, in fact, in the kitchen at home in front of my dad several years ago. Instead, I was hugging my knees and rocking back and forth.

I wipe my eyes against my shoulder, smudging my eyeliner away. Or at least, what was left of it.

_This isn’t normal, right? I can’t have this happening at random… what if I’m actually around other people and can’t get away in time?_

I think I’ve heard of something like this before… Yuri called it something like ‘disorienting?’ Or maybe ‘dis…’

_Dissociating. That’s what it was._

Although the way she described it, it sounded like something that only happened to people who’d gone through some kind of trauma. But that’s ridiculous; I haven’t gone through anything like that, right? Sure, I sometimes space out, I’m jumpy all of the time, I never feel like I can relax, and I try to avoid situations that remind me of some stuff that’s been happening for a long time now, but me? Traumatized?

I had a pretty normal upbringing, right? That person earlier was probably a fluke, an exception to the rule; the stuff about happy families isn’t real, and everyone is a bit afraid of their parents, aren’t they? They might put up a front when they’re out and about, but I know what’s going on behind closed doors. And if my dad… if…if…

Shaking my head, I run a hand through my hair. _I’m thinking about this too much…_

_…but what if I’m wrong? What if I’m the one who’s abnormal?_

On some level, I think I know I’m wrong, and that this _shouldn’t_ be the norm. It’s probably some kind of coping thing to protect me from just losing it like I very nearly did just now.

But seeing that person so happy to be around their dad, without any kind of flinching or empty, 1000 metre stare in their eyes… damn, it hurts. It really hurts.

What if I’m just being melodramatic, and everything dad does is just his own brand of discipline? Doesn’t that show that he cares about me in some way? At the very least, he cares enough to not want me doing bad things, right?

…then why do I feel like crying whenever I see other people hugging each other, or carelessly telling a story about some fun thing they did with their family on holiday? Why is it that whenever they smile fondly at some memory, I can feel those fingers wrapping around me, pressing in painfully, and-

I sigh, staring off into the distance at nothing in particular.

_Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me?_


End file.
